I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
