please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
