Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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