If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize
