well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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