Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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