I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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