she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
false alarm. still invincible.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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