Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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