Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He felt like a one man threesome
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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