Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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