The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
