i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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