i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
