I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize