you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
