Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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