this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
