If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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