last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
