Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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