Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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