Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
