I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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