My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
