I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
