He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
