I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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