after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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