Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he fucked my hip out of place.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
