We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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