I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
