i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
