i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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