My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
