Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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