On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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