ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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