can we get nightvision for the apartment?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
