it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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