I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
