There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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