omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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