I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She's the barista slut.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
