My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
