blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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