Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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