the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
