part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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