Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How's work?
Spinning.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
