pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
