I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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