Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
