I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
