How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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