sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
